The Fragrance of Christ Over The Stench of Religion

If you post enough on Facebook and get reminded of "Memories", where it shows you what you posted or what you were tagged in on the same day in prior years, it can sometimes serve as prompts to think about how little or how much has changed. Today made me think of both -- little and much have changed.

Today's "Memories" brought up a long post from a year ago. I haven't read it since then and I thought it would make me cringe but it didn't. It made me reflect on how I got from there to here. Perhaps I'll write about it again next year. Perhaps I never will.

The pivotal date (December 13, 2019) that I wrote about last year was the start of the unraveling, which led to leaving the religious community I was a part of in September 2020, writing my thoughts out in December 2020 and posting it on Facebook to which my surprise (and non-surprise) several not only commented but privately reached out to me to tell me they had a similar experience, some having attended, been involved in varying levels, and left that same religious community.

I was heavily invested, involved, and known as an active member of this community for four years, having seen enough to speak authentically about my experience and my interactions within the community. I left in September 2020 due to pastoral concerns and broken trust with leadership, after having spoken with senior pastors about the concerns that were troubling me, including a situation that led to the death of someone they considered to be a leader in the community. I deeply regretted entrusting parts of my story with the senior pastors and the worship director, including the story of someone I cared about for whom I sought help.

Some may call this ongoing journey a deconstruction of faith. I see it more and more as the awakening to the stench of religion and choosing whether I want to be drenched in it or shaped into the likeness of Christ, alongside those who hold and revere Christ far greater than religion. Religion being checking the boxes, preaching platitudes, appearing morally right on the outside, at the expense of a corrupt heart and mind.

December 13, 2019 was a pivotal date for me. I was part of a religious community and it would take months and plenty of heartache before I’d take the leap to leave that community feeling hurt, betrayed, and in disbelief — like trying to make an unhealthy relationship work that you know should just be over.

December 13 at a team dinner after which the unraveling started, when what my gut felt had been wrong over the last few years would be brought to the surface by extraordinary circumstances.

From growing up a pastor’s daughter into adulthood, I have been involved in several types of religious communities a.k.a. churches. Over 3 decades I can recall examples of many circumstances both handled well and mishandled by “the church”. I have also seen countless people get hurt by “the church”. Sadly this is not uncommon. There have been redemption stories, and cases where nothing has changed.

I knew about the pain of “church hurt” but couldn’t empathize because it hadn’t happened directly to me, until it did. I remember thinking “so THIS is how all those people felt and why they left the church”, too many of whom haven’t returned. I’m surprised it took that long for me to have been spared that pain.

Where a senior pastor would have the prideful audacity (or careless ignorance?) to preach from the pulpit that we are “our brother’s keeper” while in that same breath and same message show the irony that he and the staff and community he leads have failed, literally, that very same brother. The same pastor who deliberately told me that if I left the church, it wouldn’t go well with me like those who have left because they didn’t like how certain things were done. Because now, one is “selling life insurance” and another is “selling plants”, in a tone that later reminded me closely resembled Trump’s. What’s wrong with selling life insurance or plants? I didn’t get to ask him because I was busy trying to maintain composure and process the realization that our face-to-face interaction and his responses to me demonstrated why many people are afraid of him and only say nice, polite, acceptable things to appeal to him.

Where intimidation is used to silence people.

Where several other leaders, through the years, encourage you to raise issues with staff because they see that the same challenges in discipleship, race, and worship remain unaddressed, wondering if staff will finally “have the balls” to do something about it. Well done to those who have already tried and left.

Where there is no representation of the congregation among elders and staff. Where qualifications mostly appear to be a certain socio-economic status, and/or that you be a “yes” person, never questioning authority. While those who seem to be well grounded in Scripture and are spiritually mature are kept at bay by senior leadership – close enough but not too close to be challenged or admonished.

Where the image looks great but when you look deeper and compare reality with Biblical truths, it’s an unhealthy community where people who don’t know the issues or only show up on Sundays for an hour are blissfully unaware, while those aware seem okay with it unless someone starts asking questions and the image (looking good and sounding spiritual) is threatened.

Where gift cards, writing checks, favoritism, and maintaining the image or appearances are used as relational currency and prioritized over what matters — the genuine condition of the spiritual health of the congregation and its members.

Where a counseling pastor gossips, talking about congregation members with other members. Who, after having several discussions at my initiation, instead of going directly to me to settle conflict or talk about a death, tells other people about my situation and to make it worse, some of those people with whom I don’t have close relationship suddenly want to meet with me after he shared my business with them. It’s astonishing that my 9-year old niece demonstrates more empathy than someone close to retirement.

Where members with counseling credentials who offer to help care for the congregation are declined by senior leadership, instead relying on untrained (gossiping) pastors and staff members to deal with sensitive issues that are outside of their area of knowledge or expertise.

Where senior leadership carefully manages the illusion of people being given a platform or a seat at the table, only for their voice to be suppressed or ignored when it doesn’t align with senior leadership’s agenda.

Where ill-equipped staff members are given ministry roles they aren’t ready for, without consistent accountability. Are they in that role because they are equipped or because they will simply execute what authority wants without resistance?

At the end, meeting with senior leadership face-to-face to share my concerns for the congregation and why I was leaving, I was not prepared for how it went. When all of a sudden he cared about spiritual “covering”, so that I could be turned over from the church’s covering to my dad’s covering. I lightly joked and told him I never left the care of my parents and I’ll always be under my dad’s covering until I’m married. I was vulnerable and got hurt while under their “church covering” for years. Why was he suddenly concerned about it?

In any place or circumstance where power and control of a single person or a certain few remain unchecked, abuse and hurt will follow. Accountability matters.

Plenty of people have left for good and valid reasons, and too many have been hurt for reasons that are actually preventable. While I understand that others may have had positive experiences, it doesn’t justify what did go wrong. People will make mistakes and what is revealing about character is what one does in the midst of failure and wrongdoing.

I poured my heart into that community for years, and did what I could to do my part. And that’s all that one can do. Moving forward I refuse to participate in manmade religion. I refuse to participate in places where the agenda of pastors and people are raised over the agenda of Christ. I refuse to participate in communities where people see something wrong and choose to do nothing.

If we go to “church” simply to check the box and feel good about ourselves, let’s get a new hobby and leave God out of it.

Acceptance is the final stage of grief. In processing the loss of what this religious community meant to me, I have come to realize that I’d rather fear God than fear man. Reverent fear that cultivates respect, honor, awe, and actions motivated by genuine Biblical love. Though now I can say that I’ve been hurt by “the church”, I still love the Church and won’t give up on Her.

I was hurt by “the church” but also experienced healing within the Church.

If you’re reading this and can relate to some degree, this is my hope for you and for me: the power of the Gospel that Jesus lived and modeled is deeply transformative. God’s truth documented in His written word in the Bible still trumps what any person claims God spoke to them. Healthy people cultivate healthy communities. Let’s seek and be those people.

In rereading this today and reflecting on the very long and quick year that has just passed, the verse that references "the fragrance of Christ" came to mind. I've made many mistakes and have unpacked so much sh*t in the last year. My faith in Christ remains, and if I can for today summarize what leaving an unhealthy religious community with dysfunctional and unchecked leadership has done for me in the last year, it is this: making room for more than religion and looking to Truth on how to be the fragrance of Christ, not the stench of religion.

2 Corinthians 2:14-17

A Ministry of Life or Death

14 But thanks be to God, who always puts us on display[d] in Christ[e] and through us spreads the aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place. 15 For to God we are the fragrance of Christ among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing. 16 To some we are an aroma of death leading to death, but to others, an aroma of life leading to life. And who is competent for this? 17 For we are not like the many[f] who market God’s message for profit. On the contrary, we speak with sincerity in Christ, as from God and before God.