Is It a Worship Team or a Band?

This is a story about how I learned that just because something sounds spiritual or loving, it doesn't mean that it actually is Biblical or loving.

I was once part of a “worship team” that I learned was actually just a band of musicians and vocalists (if you're a "church member" you're a volunteer; if not, you're paid or contracted).

Integrity is when your behavior matches your beliefs, and that band lacked the integrity of a worship team/ministry/family. I know because I was once part of it and saw the truth behind the scenes. I thought that I was part of a team/ministry/family that sought to honor the Lord and serve others, and that's what everyone said we were. But crisis revealed what it was truly made of.

The coverup is worse than the crime. For trauma and abuse survivors, I understand it better now. The broken world in which we operate is unkind to trauma and abuse survivors. When will we learn to care more about healing trauma and abuse, especially in the church, than caring about saving face and keeping people in leadership positions in power? Instead of holding responsible people accountable, we become defensive and shift blame to others, usually to the victims. The coverup (denial, justification, excuse) is worse than the crime (mistake).

I was once part of a “worship team”. While in it I got into a relationship with a fellow team member who was in an unhealthy place, and I hid the dysfunction of our relationship from most people until the relationship ended. Although I don't regret the relationship, I regret hiding the abuse while it was happening, for fear of what others would think and that I would hear what I wasn't ready to hear -- that the relationship needed to end.

More so, I deeply regret trying to seek help from the wrong people because of my own religious bias. Just because someone is a “pastor” or you’re at “church” doesn’t mean that they are safe.

I sought for help for someone I cared about from the wrong people, when there were other safe people I could have asked help from -- people who have been alongside me all along and still are.

I sought for help for someone I cared about from the wrong people, rather than from those who also cared and who had the skills and experience to deal with the situation.

I made mistakes because of my own religious bias and I’ll never know if having done it differently would have changed the outcome. Him wanting help was up to him, not me or others. I can't change the past, but I can change something about what I do in the future. My own choices are what I get to live with, what I get to process with grace and compassion for myself, and lay at the feet of Jesus.

I confronted religious leaders about the disconnect between who they say they are/what they say they believe and their actions. I received answers, long after their actions already proved who they are.

Below are excerpts from a 3-page statement I had to write in the process of leaving a religious organization in the fall of 2020, many layers of which I got to process with safe people over the past year.

One that stood out to me: this was the culmination of years of religious leaders not doing the right thing and when it was brought to their attention, they shifted blame to others.

This is part of my experience in a white charismatic non-denominational religious organization led by a person operating like the CEO of a for-profit company, enabled by people around him who are manipulated, afraid, or oblivious. This isn't actually unique to this organization; it's prevalent.

This is not the Church we are called to be.

The glory had left the "church" building, and the opportunity emerged to seek glory Himself: Jesus.

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2/23/2020

2/24/2020

3/12/2020

6/3/2020

6/9/2020

6/20/2020

6/22/2020

8/25/2020

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I was harmed in a destructive relationship, and in God's grace and mercy, it ended up saving me from myself and my own religious bias. It was costly, and the lessons I learned aren't something I'll take for granted.

Is it a worship team or a band? This is a question that helped me face the truth, helped me process disappointment, loss, and grief, and helped me count the cost of being true to myself and my faith.

The healing process became more productive when I was honest with myself and with God. Is it a worship team or a band? I was afraid of the answer. But in facing reality and accepting the part that I needed to own in how I got there, it freed me.