Providence made way for me to get out of a destructive relationship with a person I loved, valued, and chose with eyes wide open. The mistake was going into the relationship, and to this day I don’t regret it. My own foolishness prodded me in, and grace drew me out to make more from brokenness.
Without wasting the cost and lessons that came with the aftermath of that destructive relationship, providence made way for me to become aware of my own blind spots, and eventually lead me out of an insidious religious organization operating in the ways of a counterfeit church. Where are the humble pastors after God’s own heart who are taking seriously the privilege they’ve been entrusted by God to care for people who have inherent worth and equal value?
With my own blind spots, I got caught up in a religious organization whose members and staff are manipulated and used by unhealthy religious leadership, which is a sad fact that I wouldn’t have been able to identify, verbalize, or process, had I not gone through the intensity of distressing circumstances and witnessed the complicity of those involved over several years. Leadership and its followers had become adept at checking the boxes of Christianity while neglecting real heart issues, people's stories, and the intention of the Gospel of Christ.
Crisis exposed the disconnect between what was preached and practiced — religious hypocrisy; irresponsible pastoral counseling that breaks trust and confidentiality of people seeking help; lack of accountability and transparency; abuse and misuse of authority and power; misguided desire to save face; fear-based leadership that disguises the pressure to please and perform with direction for “excellence”; use of money, performance, and outward appearance as the currency for belonging and loyalty; and lack of compassion surrounding the struggles and death by suicide of a person under senior leadership’s responsibility.
The shock and depth of the circumstances shook me to the core and made me rethink my faith. I asked myself, “How did I get here?”
I questioned my faith, and the God that I have known from since I could first remember answered. He reminded me of only one thing: He is faithful. Of all the things God is, His faithfulness has been and is what resonates with me most. In the crappiest, sh*ttiest, hardest season where I personally faced the heaviest disappointments thus far, God reminded me that He is faithful. At the very moment when I knew it but didn’t feel or trust it.
The reminder that God is faithful was a signal to me not to forget that He is steadfast, loyal, constant, trustworthy, true. At the time, the world was just going into a pandemic. When nothing was certain and everyone was afraid, it felt extremely upsetting and confusing because my reality didn’t seem to align with the faithfulness of God.
A year later, reflecting on what has transpired after that reminder, I realize that providence gave me truth and grace to make room for what is painful and difficult to walk through. I was given the opportunity to uncover my blind spots and work on my shortcomings, so that I could love myself and people through the filter of truth and grace, instead of the filter of a false religion that appears righteous on the surface yet corrupt underneath.
In hindsight, as corny as it may sound, the past year has actually meant making room for Jesus to walk with me through feeling and processing tragic circumstances that happened out of my control, so I no longer have to carry the weight of painful burdens into the future.
A year later, I now recognize and honor how incredibly kind it was of God to remind me in the spring and fall of 2020 that He is faithful. In hindsight, the timing was pivotal:
At the beginning of healing after letting go of a destructive and abusive relationship with someone of worth and value whom I deeply cared about
At the beginning of healing after leaving an inauthentic, insidious religious organization into which I had genuinely poured my heart, time, and resources
It hurt to let go. It was disappointing and hard to accept reality. But staying meant betraying myself and the faith that I knew was true. On the other side of letting go and acceptance was peace. On the other side of facing hard realities are flourishing and growth.
As I begin to unpack the past year in my writing — to consider the lilies I was given in the valley — it now dawns on me that God did answer my prayer when I first heard the bridge of a song play in my ears while running on empty streets of downtown Dallas at the start of a global pandemic… and again seven months later on a Thanksgiving trip with family (exactly to the day) when the same song played on shuffle in my iPhone on a morning walk:
“Shake up the ground of all my tradition
Break down the walls of all my religion
Your way is better”
-Make Room by Community Music
In the midst of 2020’s gut-wrenching heartbreak and heavy disappointment, I realized that nothing else mattered if I didn’t stay aligned with the purity and simplicity of the true Gospel of Jesus Christ.
My blind spot — my idol of religion — was exposed and replaced by the saving grace of Christ.
Christ who has always been my truth, my strength, my shield. I didn’t feel it much last year. But it doesn’t mean it isn’t true. The evidence tells me a different story. God heard a desperate prayer from a vulnerable and hurting girl, and wasted nothing to shake up and break down the ugly, futile, self-serving walls of my religion. He rescued me from my own wrongs and the wrongs done to me.
I don’t want any more bullsh*t flavors of religion clothed as Christianity. None of it will sustain the crises and suffering that a broken world inevitably delivers. Just give me Jesus.
The Jesus I’ve known my whole life and have so imperfectly followed renews, restores, transforms. The true Gospel I’ve come to know and am still learning is life-giving and God-honoring. People who are being transformed do new things. Aren’t we Christians tired of saying we are a new creation yet keep doing old things wrapped in new paper? When we do that, we don’t fool God; we only fool ourselves and each other.
Providence made way for me to get out of a destructive relationship with a person I loved, valued, and chose with eyes wide open. The mistake was going into the relationship, and to this day I don’t regret it. My own foolishness prodded me in, and grace drew me out to make more from brokenness.
Comments